A Chance to Influence

I had an interesting email exchange today. I was preparing for a class and had found some points made in the textbook I use that I wanted some clarity on. The first was about some claims he made about length of courtship and marital satisfaction that weren't really backed up by the citations he provided, and the second was about polygamy and Mormons about which he wrote with a slant that I thought was based on questionable assumptions. I looked up the author, cautiously wrote him an email, and wondered if he would get back to me. It didn't take long.

My original email:

Hello, Dr. _____.

I have used your textbook for years and appreciate the work you and your wife have put into it. At the risk of coming across as critical (truly I hope this message does not come across with a negative tone—I know emails can easily do that even if unintended), I wanted to share with you a question and an observation I have.

You note in at least a couple of places that...[I ask him about something in his text regarding courtship that is inconsistent with research, and not very substantiated].

Also, I found your explanation for why polygyny [polygyny is the precise term for one man married to multiple women] is not prosecuted in Utah to be somewhat lacking or simplistic [He basically stated as his main reason that Mormons are hesitant or unwilling to prosecute other Mormons for bigamy, even though not all Mormons practice polygamy]. You may be aware that some years ago Arizona did aggressively pursue such families, removing their children, and received great backlash (and apparently some initial support from the LDS Church). A very similar thing happened in Texas recently—with a similar result (much criticism of the Texas government from non-Mormons all over the country). Texas is not aggressively prosecuting polygyny, yet the Mormon influence there is nothing like Utah. It doesn’t appear that other states with pockets of these groups are prosecuting either—yet Utah did prosecute a Mr. Green (I believe) recently.

Plus, Mormons in Utah are generally embarrassed by these splinter groups that practice polygyny, and if anything are eager to distance themselves from them. At least this is another way of looking at it from my own observations (as a Mormon who lived in Utah for 5 years and who follows family policy issues as they arise around the country)—and I don’t know what sources you used for your information so I can’t critique them. I’m sure there is some truth to the explanations you offer (at the very least Mormons will be generally defensive toward attempts to limit religious freedom and to break up families), but whether they are the predominant reasons seems very questionable. For what it’s worth.

Thanks, and I look forward to future editions of your text.

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His reply:

[My first name]

I appreciate your email. And both points are valid. Let me write to a couple of my colleagues about the courtship issue. The other issue, help me to understand the issue of why or why not a state prosecutes polygyny in Mormon families.

And, what is your take on Big Love...the HBO program.

Best,

[His first name]

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My Reply:

[His First Name], I appreciate your openness to my feedback, and for looking further into the courtship issue.

My overall point about the polygamy issue is that the religion factor in Utah may be a much more minor a reason for the lack of prosecution compared to the likely main reason it isn’t happening elsewhere either: people in general don’t have a stomach for taking kids away from parents or taking parents away from their children and locking them up, esp. when society is becoming increasingly open to “nontraditional” (kind of an ironic term in this sense) relationship forms among adults. And, as you mentioned, trying to prioritize government resources that target criminals. I’ve not studied the phenomenon systematically, but those are my observations.

I’ve not seen Big Love—if I had HBO I would probably have been curious enough to check it out (though apparently not curious enough to rent it or check it out from the library), though I am certainly aware of the show. I know of some Mormons don’t like it because they don’t want to be associated with polygamy (and this show arguably helps keep the connection alive), and some who watch the show and enjoy it. I think it could be an interesting vehicle in challenging peoples’ contemporary assumptions about love and marriage.

Thanks again.

[My First Name]

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His Reply:

[My First Name]

I am now revising [Name of textbook] and will put in your explanation of why limited prosecution. I like it.

And if you find data on how long is the best courtship let me know.

Best,

[His First Name]

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My Reply:

Well, that’s putting a lot of faith in some guy typing on his keyboard a few states away, but that’s your call! Again, I appreciate your openness to my input, and will certainly pass anything along that seems to shed light on courtship length in regard to marital satisfaction, divorce, or other marital issues.

Thanks again.

[My First Name]

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His Reply:

[My First Name]

You're not some guy sitting in a bus station....You are a Ph.D. at [University name] in the career of marriage and family. You also are a Mormon and have more information/insight in this area.

For the record, i attributed the new information to you ....

[His First Name]

P.S. Also for the record, when I get to the section on "successful marriage" I have a Mormon couple who have been married 53 years come in and talk about their marriage, children and grandchildren. Their presentation ends with the husband putting on his accordion and singing a love song to his wife....students get the point by SEEING a love that lasts.

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My Reply:

[His First Name]

Looks like I should invest in an accordion—though my wife would probably prefer something quieter—like a heart-shaped mint chocolate bar!

That’s a nice idea for a class presentation.

...

[My First Name]

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On my way home I realized that I should actually see how he refers to my sentiments before it shows up in print. We exchanged another email with the exact quote I sent in the paragraph above starting "My overall point...," after the section that already exists in the book. So, he's giving me an opportunity to offer an alternative explanation. Fair enough.