I've never been a younger sibling. You can't just order an older brother or sister and try it out. But I've learned a bit more in recent years about the life of a younger sibling. You see, younger siblings may not take kindly to being bossed around by older siblings. Who would've thought!
I have wonderful younger siblings and siblings-in-law (esp. those who read this blog), and I have learned many things from them about life--especially family dynamics. Last year my next younger brother called me out for bossing him around as if he were still 11. To be frank, I was shocked. I didn't think I was doing it, nor did I perceive him as being 11, and I felt bad for my part in this misunderstanding. We had a good talk about it, and I think we both realized that sometimes younger siblings are extra sensitive to bossiness and sometimes older (esp. the oldest) siblings can be quite bossy and not even realize it (and maybe some do and thrive on it, but that's not my particular intent).
Younger siblings, you must forgive our bossiness (my wife is also the oldest). From our standpoint, we can't hardly help it. We changed your diapers, fed you, comforted you, and were put in charge of you many times. We were programmed early to be bossy, and we also developed a desire to want the best for you. We got used to telling you that you were using the toy wrong, how to spell a word correctly (in my wife's case only), the meaning of a potty-oriented joke (in my case only?), etc. Add to that the fact that we would like to think that with our additional years on this planet we have gained some wisdom and experience to draw from to either guide you or to take charge of a situation.
First-born children are notorious for being achievement-oriented and parent-pleasers...we can't help it! As first children, our parents focused exclusively on us for a time, had a tendency to heap unrealistically high expectations upon us, and pulled us in (or did not prevent us from pulling ourselves in) to adult discussions/realms (once other children come along, it is easier to have a clearer boundary between parents and children--hence a clearer hierarchy).
In fact, sometimes parents expect too much from their firstborns that they become "parentified." In the extremes, the older sibling may grow up to resent authority and have a hard time being responsible because of taking on too much responsibility too early. Thankfully I don't believe our parents crossed that line. However, it is also typical for younger siblings to resent the oldest child if that oldest child has too predominant of a role in raising younger siblings. That's understandable, even if the older siblings didn't request that responsibility. To some degree, younger siblings were also programmed to look toward the oldest sibling to take charge.
So, younger siblings, be sensitive to how you raise your oldest children if you want to avoid sibling tug-o-wars in the next generation (as if you could really avoid it!)
Aren't family dynamics fun! Now get off the computer and do something productive. I said NOW!
4 comments:
The "parentified" issue perked my interest.
My oldest will surely be a bossy older sibling.
Family dynamics ARE fun!
What does this say for a "middle" child who hates to make a decision for fear of making the wrong one or hurting someone's feelings? Besides being crazy, I mean. Good thing I'm married to someone who is good at decision making!
Middle children are known for feeling left out (though that is usually applied to a second of 3 children), so perhaps some learn to feel extra careful about rocking the boat because they feel in a precarious position, while others may go the opposite direction to try to draw attention to themselves.
Of course, I don't put a lot of stock in birth-order theory--unless it helps justify something about me!!
There are perks to where you are in the family. Also there are the down sides. In your case, you were the eldest, but in a way your next brother was too. Besides being a "2nd eldest" he was the youngest for 9 years. Confusing I know. Now the youngest was definitely the youngest by many years, but because of the oldness of his brothers, he grew up very fast in many ways because he wanted to be with his brothers and was raised by 4 parents, not the usual 2, plus a set of grand parents thrown in for good measure. So sometimes birth order is a great predicter of stuff and sometimes, it makes no sense at all!
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