Friendship, Family, and Quandaries

I had a friend call me the other night--a friend I don't keep constant contact with but we have a long history together and it is always nice when we can connect once a year or so. However, it was the kind of call I have very mixed feelings about--marriage advice.

I've had a few conversations like this before. Once a guy from a ward I had belonged to in graduate school called me a year or two after we have moved to see if there was anything I could tell him that might prevent his wife from divorcing him. I didn't know him all that well and regretted that there was no magical formula I could share with him over the phone. He was desperate and I really felt for him.

I have a friend who is a physical therapist, and there have been a few occasions over the years when I have called him for advice about a physical pain I was experiencing. I have also talked to a friend who is a math professor to get some statistical advice. I call my brother now and then who is a successful businessman and ask for financial advice. I have a friend with whom I would exchange emails (until he changed jobs and decided to not send me his new email address and now might as well have fallen off the face of the earth--men!) to discuss doctrinal or spiritual matters. I often feel bad about seeking advice from others when there is little I can do to reciprocate. Giving family advice to family (or close friends) is just a bit different.

I enjoy my expertise and am always interested in the interesting complexities of family life--and it is even more interesting when I know the family members involved because I have a more complete picture of the situation. However, when I am part of the family, by definition, I cannot really separate myself from the situation. An outsider perspective is often very valuable--that is one reason why people seek therapy with professionals instead of relatives. Relatives may be too close to the situation to see it for what it is, may be part of the problem, and may be unable to be frank and honest because they want to protect their own relationships with family members. Family members may also hold back when they seek advice from another family member for similar reasons. In fact, it is part of my professional training to avoid "dual relationships"-if you have a professional therapeutic relationship with someone, you avoid any other type of relationship with them as much as possible. It helps avoid all sorts of ethical and awkward circumstances.

Similar things can be said about close friends. I don't think all situations are parallel when comparing family and friends, but the principles are similar.

Yet, I want to help when I can. If I know something that can help, I want to share. However, as mentioned, I am limited in what I can effectively do because of the dual relationship I have with a loved one. But beyond that, the nature of the problems for which someone may seek me out for advice are very difficult to comment on unless extensive, personal details are shared about all parties involved (and ideally, from all parties involved)--which of course may not be comfortable or appropriate. If I try to stay somewhat on the surface, my advice becomes more generic and potentially less helpful and perhaps irrelevant. And what happens if my advice makes things worse!? That's no fun for anyone, either.

So, when I get a phone call from a good friend in need, part of me rejoices in the chance to give back to the collective good of humanity that has advised me in a variety of ways--yet I hesitate because of the pitfalls described above. In addition, human behavior and relationships are so complex that as much as someone may think I know about a topic, my understanding is vastly incomplete, at best.

My friend was in a real sticky situation, and I tried to impart with him some things to keep in mind, and tried to be a source of validation for the challenges he is facing. I think some value came from it. But it also reminded me of the quandary my professional training puts me in when I want to be a part of an intimate system in which people share what they know and have to the betterment of the group.

Those of you have have read this far and have concluded that this entry is a preemptive attempt to stifle your potential advice-seeking maneuvers--that's not the case, except perhaps that you understand what my approach would be like and why it would be so. But that understanding would only be a byproduct of reading this, not the purpose. I'm truly not bothered if people want to ask me for advice (nor am I requesting it...this isn't an advertisement)--like I said, it is encouraging on some levels. But, it helps if they understand my limitations.

Those of you who think I may be complaining about past attempts to seek advice--nope, no complaining here. I only regret that I couldn't have been more helpful. My purpose for writing this is the same as with most of my entries--rambling for its own sake, with the secondary objective of giving some bored souls something to read--who then will move on quickly to find a better way to relieve their boredom.

Oh, before my friend hung up, he asked me, "what are you?" He said that he remembered that I might be a person who might know something about his issues, but couldn't remember why. Did I mention we were close friends?